OH GOD! THE TEETH! THE TEETH!

Dear Shvad,

I have left to search for a life of my own, with out your confining rules and such. I'll never prosper and flourish if left in your grasp. Feel free to claim the left and right hemispheres of my brain should they ever show up. And I leave you my scrap metal collection I kept under the floor boards for midnight snacks. And now, I will go venture across the street and into the unknown! Who knows, I may never come back.

-Vlad

P.S If you hear any screaming, please rescue me from the neighbour's chihuahua.

P.P.S I took the toaster for food on the road.

Insanigarden

Vlad and Shvad are uh... being stupid as usual, *raises index finger* however, it IS the ninety-eighth post.(!) which means...
...
...
...
...
...
TWO MORE TILL THE ONE HUNDREDTH! (aka, another family reunion anyone? *thumbs up*)

S: Vlad! get off the computer! You've been on for DAYS! What are you doing anyway? This is the first time ever that you're actually on, and not eating it

V: Must. Feed. Must Feed. Must Feed.

S: AHA! you've been feeding the old folks down at the Senior's center through PayPal! I'm proud of you!

V: OH NOES! the neighbours trampled on my petunias!

S: *raises eyebrow*, you're spying on our neighbors? You're keeping an eye on our... petunias, which we don't have?

V: gotta buy a new hose, gotta buy a new fence, ARGH! Stupid neighbours! gotta buy a new dog to kill the neighbors i mean.... *turns to look at Shvad* you did NOT hear that *smiles*

S: Vlad, what are you plotting?

V: nothing! it's just this game... that is so! damn! addicting!

S: a game you say? *squint* lemme see. *pushes Vlad off her chair*

V: hey! by the way, water my flowers for me while you're there!

S: k...


*three days later*

V: Shvad, it's been three days! I really think I should get another turn at this!

S: *waves vlad away, mumbling random gibberish* aituhigbalwopery

V: okay.... *takes computer and eats it*

S: *stares wide-eyed* Hey! You ate my Chlamydias! I mean... Chamomiles...

V: *rolls eyes*

The Agendus Bookus

Agendas, funny creatures they are.
Mistreated, doodled on. etc
and this is how we er.. mistreat our agendas!

Regina's agenda:

Day one: I am picked up, and stashed away.
Day two: I'm being doodled in! well, at least it's not neglect...
Day three: Doodles.. doodles.. is she ever going to do anything productive?
Day four: THESE DOODLES DON'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!
Day Five: God! it's like.. doodle rape. i feel so.. violated. I am so outta here.
Day Six: PHEW. the doodles have stopped!
Day seven: it's nice to be alone.

Shiying's agenda:

Day one: I am picked up.
Day two: just bumping around in the bag
Day three: I seem to have been thrown into a locker of some sort..
Day four: uhm.. is anyone here?
Day five: it's so dark.. and i'm so hungry... and it's cold... so.. lonely..
Day Six: i haven't seen a light in days! ... when will this end?!
Day seven: .. getting... so.. weak... carry on... without me

"happiness in a toilet bowl"

First of all, let me start by saying that I, Shloob, did NOT disappear off the face of the Earth by flushing myself down the toilet. It's quite pathetic actually; I lost the password to my blogger account, so er.. yeah, couldn't update. But you must know that I was there with Voobl when she wrote the past two entries. So.... to celebrate my coming-back (WOO! PARTY IN DA HOUSE!), here's another Shvad and Vlad story, with well-deserved toilet humor.

*S is cleaning the toilet bowl and scrubbing the sides fervently*

V: Wow... you're looking flushed.

S: *glares* haha, very funny. I'm only cleaning this mess because nobody else will!

V: I don't know how to clean a toilet bowl, so you have to do it.

S: It's not hard! All you have to do is scrub! Until! The! Dirt! Is! Gone!

V: Nope, too difficult.

S: Want me to show you? It's easy

V: Uh, YOU'RE not a professional toilet cleaner! The Art of toilet cleaning requires a lot of skills, dedication, and patience! Only the greats like Molly Maid and my mother can master it!

S: You sir, are a idiot.

V: ...anyway, I'm gonna go lie on my bed and stare at the patterns in my ceiling now! Bye! *runs away so Shvad won't make her clean the toilet instead*

S: You buttwipe! Come back here!

V: Erm... What's the word I'm looking for? Oh, that's right. NO.

S: Who goes to the bathroom more? Me? Or you? *glares*

V: I have digestion issues! The metal never digests properly, so I always end up being gassy after dinner! *mumbles: and breakfast... and lunch... and brunch...*

S: Well what do you have teeth for? Jeez... *Really red in the face*

V: *pauses* Well! I'm pooped! All this talking's worked up an appetite! I think I'll go eat something now! *runs away*

S: *yells after her* You've got toilet paper stuck to your shoes!

V: huh? *looks down and trips*

S: ahaha

Vlad, Taxidermist*?

*Taxidermy for those who don't know is basically the act of skinning and stuffing a dead animal. (those animals on display in museums are usually taxidermy)

*Shvad's typing away at a computer*

S: Vlad! What did you do with the computer?! it doesn't work and it's like, 10 pounds lighter! ... Did you eat it!? you sick, SICK person!
V: I did not! I stuffed it! *proud*
S: why the hell did you do that? and where are all the chips and stuff?
V: Taxidermy's an art form you know! ... and i sortamayhavekindaatetheinsides
S: Do you even know what taxidermy is?!
V: DUH, it's the act of stuffing animals!
S: ... A COMPUTER IS NOT AN ANIMAL.
V: Yes it is! it's one one mother nature's favourite creatures!
S: mother nature did not create the computer. some random dieticians did so people like us can get enough iron !
V: but.. but.. but... YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!

*Vlad runs away*

S: Sure.. go sit in a corner and cut your self, just make sure you don't eat the blade first *rolls eyes*

*munching sounds coming from the corner*

V: woopsie.. *blush*
S: Idiot.
V: But.. look at the work I did on the fridge! Genius, no?

*leads shvad to a taxidermied fridge*

S: YOU IDIOT. NOW WHERE ARE WE GOING TO PUT OUT CREAM CHEESE AND ORANGE JUICE? not to mention my tomatoes! my precious, precious tomatoes
V: but.. but.. but.. we have a year's supply of metal! *picks up some wires with a fork and proceeds to eat it, fork and all*
S: ... stop eating our utensils! and.. I. LIKE. MY. TOMATOES. *goes insane*
V: *shrugs* whatever... *continues to eat various pieces of fridge innards*

water water water

*vlad sees shvad watering the lawn*

vlad: STOP! IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE! PUT DOWN THAT HOSE!
shvad: vat are you talking about? Did you take your medication today?
vlad: didn't you hear about the new law? Since we live on 1 Stupid Ave, we're only allowed to water on even days!
shvad: ...*raises index finger* first of all, 1 is an ODD number, and secondly, we live on TWO Stupid Ave, Martha Stewart lives on 1 Stupid Ave. Third of all, you are not the police, and this is YOUR house! Do you WANT to get sent to jail? And where'd you hear about that anyway?
vlad: *shrugs* Newspaper
shvad: YOU CAN READ?! GOLLY MISS MOLLY!
vlad: uh...in case you've forgotten, Stupid Ave gets newspapers in audio form. *thumbs up* And of course I can read! Your hose says "most reliable hose in the world!"**
shvad: *rolls eyes* ..mhm. * continues to water lawn* Go do something...productive. Like, clipping your toenails ...they're getting pretty long.
vlad: ....but they're only five inches long! Yours are like...six!
shvad: I applied for a toe-clipping permit last year, it should arrive ANY day now.... *mutters about the slowness of those goddamn permit people*
vlad: well IIII plan on growing them! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME! MY TOENAILS LOVE ME!

*runs away*

shvad: k.... just... pretend that didn't happen. *continues watering lawn*

*police shows up!*

vlad: STOP! IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE! AND ALL THAT IS GOOD AND TASTY! PUT DOWN THAT HOSE!
shvad: *without turning around* we had this discussion FIVE MINUTES AGO! vlad, go do something --- *turns around* whaaa? You got accepted? into the police force? and i STILL don't have my toe-nail permit?! what has this world come to??!!
vlad:*smiles smugly* hehe, i'm here to arrest all the residents of 2 Stupid Ave for illegal watering!
shvad: vlad... you live here.
vlad: ... mmm....and so do you, so what's your point?
shvad: i'll let you think about it. *continues watering lawn*

*twenty minutes later*

*sitting in a jail cell*

vlad: ...what are you in for Mac?
Mac: ... iunno, ask PC, he has a spreadsheet. I just take photos! with my built in webcam! *thumbs up*
PC: *sigh* let me calculate how much time you wasted. *punches in numbers* five......
...
..
..
YEARS.
Mac: what are YOU in for?
Vlad: oh, I arrested myself for illegal watering. *shrugs* 4 years.... i'll be out in no time.

*Mac and PC stares in shock, and burst out laughing*

Mac: this calls for a .... PHOTO! *thumbs up*
PC: alright, I'm pulling that thing out of your system. *grabs Mac's forehead, and pulls... hard*
Mac: *cries and sulks* now how am I supposed to take photos! My existence is redundant! My life is over! .... does anybody have a razor?
Vlad: no sharp objects/weapons in the cell. *thumbs up*
.

*winks*




**actually, the hose says "guaranteed to water your lawn".

*hug*

Seriously, people, leave some comments!
and now, without further ado, i present SHVAD AND VLAD
*applause*



*vlad hugs shvad*

s: what ARE you doing
v: "hugging"
s: were those air quotes?
v: uhm...
s: ... are you STILL clinging on to me?!
v: i'm sharpening my teeth!

*shvad breaks off hug*

s: ...WHAT?
v: nothing...
s: are you lying to me?
v: ...no?
s: CONGRATS VLAD!!! you've evolved to a HUMAN's (though, still a young human) level of intellegence!!!

*hugs vlad*

v: MUAHAHAHA

*siezes opportunity to bite shvad*

s: WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!?!?!
v: *shrugs* i only hug to immobilize prey.
s: what?
v: you know, its a heck of a lot harder to bite someone when they move. and an efficent way of stopping them is to bite them

*demonstrates by hugging shvad and biting her*

s: STOP IT!!
v: see?
s: *humph* *walks away*

*vlad demonstrates how hard it is to bite moving "prey"*

s: ...what ARE you doing?
v: im showing you how hard it is to bite moving prey! now you try.

*shvad hugs vlad*
*vlad bites shvad instead*

s: HEY!
v: well, what can i say? self preservation's pretty important too.

AYE. a tale of the high seas!

ARR. the good ship SS. Presso be sailing to the the isles of week's end. They be sailin the most perilous seas, the number of surviors, you could count on one hook. T'was the fabled mathematical sea. On the way, the lines o' bestfit threw 'em 'round like me rum caskets. But that be the least of them worries. There be the dreaded fraction residin' in those waves. It rises up and spits demoninators at ye. Then, it consumes and reduces yer crew. Imagine. the last thing you hear, is the sqeak of a thousand pencils.. doomed to an eternity of reducing, cross multiplying, and findin lowest common denominator. if ye survived that, there still be the scatter plot isles, the only land between the mathematical sea and the isles of week's end, inhabited by first differeneces, they'll extrapolate you, and sacrifice you to the great fraction. Aye, they be close now.

*GIT BACK YOU WORK YOU LAND-HUGGIN-BLIGE-RAT!*

..until next time. if there is one..

SHVAD DAY!!

huzaah!
its shvad day in the tiny town of bubarville!!!
population: 2....BUT STILL! ITS A MIGHTY GRAND CELEMABRATION!

this is the origin of shvad day...which happened precisely ...NOW.

s: i declare today ...SHVAD DAY!!
v:watt?? since when?
s:uh...about five seconds ago *batts eyelashes*
v:hell...why not? as long as there's a vladmas.*grumbles*
s:watchu mumblin'bout FOO?
v:huh? nothing!! I WASN'T MUMBLING ABOUT HOW YOU'RE THE BIGGEST IDIOT ON THE FACE OF THIS PLANET!
s:alright then!! now help me put up streamers and decorations!
v:..and WHERE are we gonna find shvad day decorations?! its not like the dollar store prepares for shvad day like it does for christmas, and valentines day!...AND HALLOWEEN! WHICH IS THE BEST HOLIDAY EVER!ITS RIGHT UP THERE WITH VLADMAS!
s:or does it? *shifty eyes*

*and so...they trek down to the dollar store...in the nearest town*

v:since its shvad day, can i eat our car?
s:no.
v:then whats the point of shvad day?!
s:a day when all shvads gather together and celebrate in anger and destruction!
v:...what do you destroy exactly?
s: well, its obvious. vlads! DUH
v:...

*runs far far away into the kingdom of..uh...*

ANYWAY.

s: oh poo. now who's gonna set off the dangerously reactive fireworks?!

VLADMAS continued...-ishh.

Intro: shvad and vlad decide to go see a movie, to be more specific, the movie "happy feet". as you will find out, shvad has short term memory loss...

*on the phone*
S: so what movie are we watching tomorrow?
V: well DUH! happy feet! GOBULAR!
S:...RIGHT...heheh, and by the way, we're walking there..
V:...VATTTTTTTT??!!!!
S:bye!

*hangs up phone*

V:*falls down to knees in typical dramatic fashion as cameras pan back and penguins fly out of trees--------wait a minute! what the hell is going on here??!!** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, GOBB, WHY??!! ...oh well, only for Happy Feet.

*next day*

V:this soup base is really lardy...*oil drips from package*
S:*shudders*
V:but thats waht makes it soooo tasty! mmm...*drools*
S:stop drooling on me!!
V:...huh? *snaps out of dream* whaaa?
S:NEVERMIND! your noodles are done.

*twenty minutes later*

S:where the hell is the beef??!!
*rummages through freezer*
*Vlad pulls out a 100-year-old package from the bottom of the freezer*
V:is this it?
S: why yes....

*a few more minutes later*

S: shit! we have to start walking soon if we're gonna reach the theatre before it turns into spring!
V:Alright alright. let me get my wallet & iPod.
S:...why didn't you bring your purse?
V: ...i have a purse?
S:..*SIGH* nevermind. you can put it in my oversized cork purse. *glares*

*ten hours later..*

*vlad sees fake santa costume on the ground*

V:WHY SANTA?!! WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE YOU???!!!
S: vlad, thats a costume.
V:sure...thats what they all say.

*vlad goes into a deep state of denial*

*some time later*

V:are we there yet!! its been like, 10 years!!
S:It's only been 10 hours, and we're only halfway there...
oh god, here comes a highway intersection. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!
V:alright alright. i'm running , i'm----TRUCK!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhh

*5 long hours later*

S: My. Face. Is. Going. To. Fall. Off.
V:dont' faces grow back?
S:well, maybe YOURS does, buy mine doesn't!

*Vlad touches her face to make sure she still has 3 eyes, 2 noses, 2 mouthes, and 4 ears.

S:i have a question, where would you get earphones made for 4 ears?
v:...i make them. *smiles*. i just use a hammer and go *bonk!* and hammer 2 sets together!
S:..brilliant.
V:ingenious isn't it?

*5 long dragging hours later*

V:WOOHOO. we're finally here.
S:finally! do you know what we just did? We trekked all the way from my icecube-of-a-house, across the perilous roads of death, the hungry vicious polar bears, and the North Pole (where we got cookies from santa [!!]) , arrived at our pathetic destination!!! we've just acheived the impossible!
V:...yo mean we crossed roads, walked past some squirrels, got free cookies from the girl scouts, and got our faces frozen off to reach the theatre?
S:..in a nut shell, yes. dont' try to destroy my dreams of becoming a poet.
V:..you want to be a poet??!! *laughs ass off*
S: *glares*

*after many "WTF moments" @ the movies*

S:alright, let's walk home.
V: what??!! not again! we have to trek all the way from this pathetic starting point across the perilous roads of death, the hungry vicious polar bears, and the North Pole (where we got cookies from santa [!!]) , and arrive at your ice-cube-of-a-house??!!!
S:i thought you said those were "squirrels".

all i want for vladmas is the right-hemishpere of my brain!!

edited by shloob: WELL, I WAS GONNA POST! BUT SOMEONE BEAT ME TO IT!
ARAGH. -posted @ 10:27pm.
-----------------------------------
well, well, well.
look what shloob DIDNT post
*kills shloob for not posting*

ANYWAYS
vladmas special!!!!!
dance?
nah.

s: WHAT IS THIS?!
v: what?
s: THIS
v: OHHHH... haha...
s: ha?
v: its uhm... my brain trap.
s: brain trap?
v: to trap my brain as he come back for the picture books i left out for him
s: ...WHAT?
v: just dont step on it!

*hours pass*
*vlad is seen dragging lumps of dirt in to the house*

s: WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?!
v: i'm making the traditional vladmas pile!
s: vladmas pile... you know what, dont even explain to me.
v: WELL..-
s: i said DONT
v: FINE!

*large dirt mound is found sitting in the kitchen sink*

s: *SIGH* vlad!!
v: whaaaaaatt?!
s: WHY IS THERE A DIRT MOUND IN THE KITCHEN SINK?!
v: traditional vladmas pile.
s: here, FINE, explain the pile to me!
v: well, a traditional vladmas always has a vladmas pile. and it's plaved in the kitchen sink. there are 5 sticks of dynamite in the pile. every day for 5 days, i'll light a stick of dynamite on fire. when the celing falls in, a wish will come true!
s:...celing...falling...IN?!
v: well, it's pretty rare, usually, the windows just explode
s: window? EXPLODE?

*shvad seethes*
*vlad slowly backs away*
*2 hours later, a loud explosion is heard*
*shvad attempts to control her rage*
*vlad accidentally set the neighbour's dog on fire...again*
*night time*

s: vlad, where are you going?
v: to check all my traps and then go o bed.
s: all?
v: well, we have my brain trap, my pink leprechaun trap, my 8 flying chickens trap, and my milk and cookies trap.
s:...

*everyone is asleep*
*loud SNAP noise is heard*

brain: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
v: GOTCHA!!!

*shvad rubs her eyes sleepily*

s: whaaa?
v: I GOT MY RIGHT HEMISPHERE OF MY BRAIN BACK!!
s:...how you gonna get him in you head?
v: same..*sounds of struggle*...way...*more sounds*..that..*loud crashing noises* ..he got OUT!
s: i see...and that would be?
v: my nose of course
brain: no! no! i beg of you! dont send me into your dark abyss known as your head!!
v:...

*brain escapes as vlad attempts to ponder without a brain*

*makes gestures*

89th post!
you know that that means!
11 more till the 100th special!
=)

anyways.
here. vlad learns how to make fun of shloob in sign language!

v: *makes gestures* (hello s-h-v-a-d)
s: what?
v: *makes gestures* (i'm signing!)
s: ...what?!
v: *makes gestures* (SIGN LANGUAGE!!!!)
s: ... are you using sign language?
v: *makes gestures* (yes)
s:...oh
v: *makes gestures* (you stupid fat monkey!)
s: ...was that a monkey gesture in there?
v: *makes gestures* (you bite moose!)
s:...WHHAA?!!!
v: *makes gestures* (you're very, very stupid)
s: HEY! I UDNERSTOOD THAT ONE!!!!

*chases after vlad*

s: WHY YOU LITTLE-!! COME BACK HERE!!!
v: *makes gestures* (NEVERRRR!!!!!)
s: what are you?! mute?!
v: *makes gestures* (PSH! no! i just like sign language)
s: what ever...

*shvad lulls vlad into a false sense of security and then grabs vlad ties her hands together*
*vlad attempts to sign with her hands tied together*

the very beginnings

way back when. vlad used to be smart, shvad was obsessed with stonesour and ther was noone to blog about it. so you might have hear d part of the story. but not all of it.

okay. tis is what you SHOULD know.

shvad sees her psychiatrist, vlad. (and oh god, this cannot be good. )

vlad: ADMIT THAT UR OBSESSED WITH THROUGH GLASS BY STONESOUR!!!
shvad: i only have 1 song by them. sheesh, get a life and do something about that face.
vlad:*gasp, slaps shvad* you take that back!!! my face is just fine! *touches her face, making sure she still has 3 eyes, 3 noses, and 2 mouths).
shvad:actually, one of ur mouths is missing. *chuckles while adopting snooty expression*
vlad:THE HORRORS!!
shvad: go see a doctor, oh, wait, YOU ARE ONE!!! hahaha. *sips tea from daintly little cup*
vlad:lets just get back the the issue here!
shvad: i told you i am NOT obsessed with through glass!

*vlad plays through glass on her computer, shvad's feet start tapping, and she starts singing along*

shvad: oh no!! wats happening?!

5 minutes later...


*shvad is tied down onto a board with vlad standing over her cackling like an evil scientist, no, she IS an evil scientist*

vlad: now i can finally switch my brain with urs!! hahahahahahahaha!
shvad:ur mental, im outta here. *gets up and goes*
vlad: but wait! ur were supposed to be strapped down!
shvad: ur knot-tying skills are TERRIBLE scout!!
vlad:*looks down at her shoes and sighs*

well okay. there's the beginning. but you don't know the WHOLE story. yet.

*shavd runs awya into the dark streets*
*vlad chases shvad through the streets*

s: YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME!!!
v: *wheeze wheeze* YES *wheeze* I WILL *more wheezing*
s: tch. no you wont!

*vlad proceeds to run into a tree branch *

s: OH MY GAWD!! VLAD!!!!

*pause*

s: meh.

*continues running*
*vlad gets up*

v: WHAA?! wha ha-ha-happened?!
s: *still running away* NEVER I SAY! NEVERRRRR!!
v: but, je ne comprende pas!!!
s: FRENCH?!
v: what ARE tu parles about?!
s: why are you speaking in part french?
v: QUOI?!
s: oh nevermind. lets get you to a hospital.
v: une hospital?! whats wrong avec moi?
s: you're talking in french
v: NOOOO! tu as a mistake!
s: what ever.

*ambulance*
*doctors d tests*

doctors: umm.. was she retarded before her "accident"?
s: WHAT?! she's a freakin' genius! she was my psychiatrist!
doctors.: well dow she does.... so, who's gonna take care of her?
s: what?! dont look at me!

*silence*

s: FINE! FINE!

and so, vlad and shvad were formed. dont even ask me to explain the metal eating and stuff...

punctumacation

v: bananas(bananas)
s: bananas?
v: bananas(bananas)
s: BANANAS?!
v: bananas(bananas)
s: WHAT?!
v: bananas(bananas)
s: WHAT A BOUT BANANAS?!
v: bananas are bananas(bananas)
s: what the hell are you doing talking about bananas? don't they, like, clog up ur digestive system?
v: bananas(bananas)
s: ARGH!
v: bananas(bananas)
s: hey(bananas,bananas,bananas) are you using bananas as punctuation (bananas)
v: WHY YES I AM (bananas)
s: SWEET(bananas)
v:HELLOGOODBYE(hellogoodbye)
s:what(bananas,bananas)
v: hellogoodbye (hellogoodbye)
s: hey (bananas,bananas,bananas) have you changed it to hellogoodbye (hellogoodbye)
v: MONKEYS (monkeys)

*************************************************

BUY HELLOGOODBYE'S CD!!!! 10 BUCKS AT HMV! YO. IF U DON'T BUY IT, UR A FREAKING square.

HAPPY ONE YEAR...and18 days

yep. i was just going through the archives when i realised thatwe had completely passed by one whole year! so now we celebrate one year... and 18 days.

if you have read the post done on october 17, 2005, then you will understand it. if not. i suggest you go read it.

*door bell*

v: COMING!!!

*opens door*

v: RIGHTY! you've come back!
righty: actually...
v: wait. where's lefty? u didnt find lefty?! u KILLED LEFTY?! U ATE LEFTY WHILE YOU WERE RUNNING THROUGH THE JUNGLE BECAUSE U GUYS HAD NO MORE FOOD. YOU CANNIBAL!!!
righty: actually. lefty's fine. lefty's chosen a new lifestyle *mutters* and I have chosen a new owner. i've come back for my cd player and my tv.
v: oh...